Some might say that after denying Metropolitan police commissioner, Cressida (is a) Dick his undenied support London Major, Sad-eek(!) Khan has made himself look like a heartless, corporate-toadying jackass.

Essentially Dick is claiming that she was effectively ‘fired‘ from the force after London’s mayor accused her of failing to deal with a culture of misogyny and racism.

Dick’s resignation comes less than three weeks after the Met announced a criminal inquiry into lockdown parties in Downing Street, which could lead to the prime minister and dozens of staff being fined.

In a statement Dick made clear she had been forced out:

“It is with huge sadness that, following contact with the mayor of London today, it is clear that the mayor no longer has sufficient confidence in my leadership to continue. He has left me no choice but to step aside as commissioner of the Metropolitan police service.

At his request, I have agreed to stay on for a short period to ensure the stability of the Met and its leadership while arrangements are made for a transition to a new commissioner.

Undertaking this role as a servant of the people of London and the UK has been the greatest honour and privilege of my life.”

(And here endeth the serious part of this article.)

According to ‘sources’ Khan doubled down on his jackassery. In a private conversation he claimed that his relationship with Dick was like being thrown into a concrete wall and then being submerged in a lake of seminal fluid – which basically tells every woman in London that they’re on their own.

Well, well, well, all you wondrous Women of the World – it seems that Sadiq Khan is once again your champion.

What the Dick Did

However, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for the reputation of the Metropolitan police commissioner, it’s come to light that Cressida Dick actually managed to score an unreported and shameful personal best.

Can you guess what she did?

Was she caught smoking crack or pushing an old woman down some stairs?

Was she heard talking about Priti Patel’s perfect pussy?

What about a not-right-in-head rant about why she uses ‘Bumaclot’ to wipe her asshole?

(Bumaclot? Yeah….the jokes write themselves).

No. It’s none of the above.

So let’s see if science can work out what it is. ( After all folks, “we must trust in the science”)

Lets use the Theory of Probability, combined with the Dick Law of Unstable, to predict what Commander Dick did.


[Dick + (weed + adderall) x alcohol] – (anti-psychotics) = I ate a tampon.

All you have to do is solve the value of Dick.

‘What was Dick’s Shameful Personal Best’ANSWER

So, assuming that the value of Dick is zero, the algorithmic nightmare now answers the question, ‘What is Dick’s Shameful Personal Best’ as follows:

Drone Dicks

In 2021 Cressida Dick joined Greta Thunberg in calling for drone strikes on London’s M25 motorway. They both wanted motorists who were caught driving on the inside lane classed as morally corrupt and therefore acting illegally.

They both wanted to see the M25’s inside lane re-classified as a cycle lane from which all dicks in cars would be banned.

Any offenders would get a ‘Gret a Dick Drone’ up their ass.

It has also been revealed that Dick was once puzzled by the questions being raised about her leadership of Britain’s largest police force.

However, she concluded that it didn’t really matter what people thought of her because they’re all destined to die – in drone strikes on the M25.

Author: Michael W

Editor: RamblinginPen

Editors Note: As readers may have realised (probably) everything posted here is utter nonsense. Michael’s inspiration for this article came from Alice – who is a musical White Rabbit. (Click above)